Because I Wasn't Deprived of Sleep Enough Already

So I’m writing this entry on limited sleep. Yeah yeah, I’m a working mom with a high pressure job and a toddler and all that other crap. However, apparently it’s not enough to lay awake at night thinking about spreadsheets, what I’m going to say at upcoming meetings, how data ties in to a client’s overall set up, whether my 17 month old is too cold with the fan on, whether she has enough diapers at daycare, what we have to eat for dinner the next evening, whether my co-worker took something I said as a complaint when I was really complimenting her, whether the shower curtain I want is going to sell out before I can fit the purchase into our budget and how I’m going to fit any tans and work outs into my week before the weekend (because let’s face it, I’m not working out on the weekend so if it doesn’t happen Mon – Fri, I have to wait until next week). Oh and what ever happened to that Goo Goo Cluster ice cream they used to sell at Albertson’s? That was sooooo good. Awwww, remember Albertson’s? I loved that store. Oh oh… what was the name of the other place in my home town that started with an “A”? The place where I ran over Karen Carpenter’s foot with my stroller when I was 2? Alpha Beta! That’s righhhhhhhht. Hmmmm, I had that other Carpenter’s CD and I haven’t been able to find it. I swear we need to get our computer fixed so I can get ITunes back….

Nope, that endless thought process keeping me up for 90 mins – 3 hours at least 3 times per week just wasn’t enough to exhaust me.  I had to start watching “I Survived”. Have you watched this shit yet? It’s quite a gripping program. For those of you who haven’t watched it yet, it airs on the Bio channel on Sunday nights and it usually consists of 3+ people each speaking to the camera about a harrowing experience that nearly killed them, and should have. It’s a very interesting, diverse selection of individuals and you can’t help but get sucked right in to each story. The experiences that bring these people near death range from abductions, rapes, shootings and stabbings to natural disasters, bridge collapses and boat wrecks. It’s addicting and absolutely terrifying! Now that I’ve propped the show (much deserved), I have to say that you must be extremely careful about choosing to watch.

Before I was a mother, I used to hear other mothers talk about how since they had babies they could no longer watch scary movies. I used to roll my eyes and think “Of course, because EVERYTHING is about YOU and your kid, isn’t it?” I wondered if I would be annoying like them and think that way after becoming a mom, because horror films are just part of my life. While I have thankfully NOT found my beloved horror films to be unbearable now that I’m a mother, crime documentaries terrify the hell out of me. They always have, but “I Survived” brings it to another level. I’ve always thought of myself as a very cautious person. I walk with my head up in parking lots, I don’t park next to vans, I don’t answer the door if I’m home alone or if I don’t know the person, I don’t give out my zip code or phone# at cash registers (why do they need that all the time anyway??? Annoysballs) and I rarely go out alone after dark. After watching this show I no longer think I’m so smart and cautious. I spend every night after a new episode waking up every hour or so in this terrified dream haze, wondering if all the windows are locked, checking to make sure my kid is still in her room and my husband is still breathing. Do I have to go to the stupid bathroom or can I hold it? What if they’re waiting for me to get up so they can hit me with a surprise attack on my way out of the bathroom? Ugh, and I thought “Dateline” was bad.

My Ass Looks Great in These Jeans, Really, It Does

Well, I took an incredibly long break from blogging over the winter due to several illnesses between Sept and March (thank you daycare germs) and a big move into our newly built home.

It isn’t only blogging I took a long break from, it’s people – friends and family. This wasn’t intentional by any stretch, unlike when I was pregnant and chose to keep away from people for their own benefit, it just happened.

Yup, I’ve been a shitty friend. People are getting annoyed with me and have stopped communicating with us. Clearly, they think I’ve distanced myself from them purposely. I can’t blame them at all but this is just not the case. However, as things calm down and we finally have the time to begin catching up with people, I’m beginning to wonder…. “Did I subconsciously INTEND to stay away from people?”, “Was I tired of them before fall began?”

I couldn’t put my finger on what was bothering me about my friends. I love them. I have often had a lot of fun with them. I care about their lives and what makes them happy, what they’re interested in. Then as I sat with one of my friends watching a slide show of pictures of the past few years, it hit me. It isn’t my friends, it’s their behavior. Most of the women I know can’t seem to keep from putting themselves down. They spend the majority of our time together talking about how they hate their hair, they hate their bodies, they hate their faces, they’re embarrassed or worried about what people think, etc.

Having lived through an eating disorder and going through grueling counseling to overcome it, I understand that this is BORING conversation. I finally understood why I had lost so many friends in the process. No one wanted to listen to my skinny size 4 ass talk endlessly about the fat flaps that hung over my bra in the back or the fact that I still couldn’t fit into my size 2 jeans from high school. Who cares? BORRRRRRRING! Never mind offensive to a friend who was sitting in size 10’s (A perfectly healthy size for many body types, by the way).

Yes, I have the skinny friend who does nothing but talk about how she lost “ALL THIS WEIGHT” (she was thin already) and how fat she was before (you know, when she was my size). I have the beautiful friends who sit and talk about how fat their asses are, the insecure friends who force me into a 30 minute IM discussion about whether the purse they want to buy is too loud for them and whether people will think it’s tacky, the ones who won’t sit in certain places when we go out to Happy Hour because they don’t want people to see them eating chicken wings and think they’re a pig and the ones who obsess about whether people will think they let their 4 year old daughter dress too trashy because she has a pink hair clip on in her hair and fake tattoos on her hands.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been guilty of many of these things in the past, but I have a daughter now. Suddenly, these behaviors make me sad and the sadness turns to anger and impatience. These are learned behaviors. My generation has somehow learned that it’s endearing to put ourselves down, that it’s a good way to initiate conversation, make others like us and not feel threatened by us. We learned that if we put ourselves down first, perhaps others wouldn’t be so quick to put us down. They wouldn’t make fun of us to our faces or talk about us behind our backs – the job was already done.

How did we learn this? Our mothers or mother figures did it. Our aunts, grandmothers, sisters, mothers’ friends all did it right in front of us. We learned that if we were too fat or our clothes or hair weren’t right, our adult role models who were putting themselves down would probably put us down too (if not to our faces, behind our backs or in their minds). Sure they never told us this, but the writing was on the wall. We’d watched them do it to themselves and to others and we followed suit without a hitch.

I’ve decided that I’m pissed and I’m not gonna take it anymore. I’ve started telling my friends – “I am not going to listen to you put yourself down anymore. I will not engage in this type of conversation”. When I compliment their hair and they start to say “Ugh I need to do something different with it I hate it”, I say “No – stop it right now, remember my rule. Tell me something you like about yourself today”. When someone compliments me, telling me I look thin, I fight that urge to say “UGH I hate how out of shape I am right now, I need to work out” and I say “Thank you. I appreciate the compliment”.

It’s hard work. It’s difficult after 36 years, to learn to accept compliments and not argue with people. My friends probably don’t like my “rules” about our conversations, but I can’t sit around and watch these amazing women constantly knock themselves any longer and I can’t have my daughter watch me engage in such discussions and think it’s ok to put herself down as well. They very thought of her feeling that she has to look upon herself in a negative light when it’s not necessary and potentially engage in harmful behaviors because of a negative self-image completely shatters my heart.

Why am I telling you this? I’ll tell you. Most likely, you agree with me. You don’t want to watch your children destroy themselves because of a negative self-image either. If you don’t have children, you don’t want the women in your life to do it and IF you do it, it needs to stop. People don’t want to hear it. If they do want to hear it, they are not your friends. People who love you don’t want to hear you put yourself down.

So say something positive about yourself today. Think something positive about yourself. Let’s do something about this vicious cycle. Is that cliché’? Awwww CRAP – I just did it, didn’t I? Well, one day at a time.

Why I’m Not Going To Be One Of Those Aholes About Asking People To Babysit

Having many friends, family members and co-workers with children for so many years leading up to having my own, I learned it takes all kinds when it comes to asking people to babysit your kid(s).

Now that I have my daughter I must admit I’m pretty appalled at how people with children treat me when it comes to inviting me to do things. I just expect them to know better, but should probably remember that just like with everything else in life, not everyone has a clue about much of anything when it comes to being aware of one’s surroundings. Raising children is no exception.

Basically, we brought this baby into the world with the idea that she was OUR choice, therefore OUR responsibility.

Did we think we were going to be able to dump her on some poor sap at the last minute on a Friday night so we could run out to the party someone invited us to 5 minutes ago and get loaded? Um, NOPE. Sorry friends, but my getting pregnant on purpose meant we consciously opted OUT of those last minute opportunities to jump in the car and spend our Friday night watching you and yours double fist beverages while you argue and bicker with your significant others, ending in my having to wash and blow dry my hair when I get home at ridiculous hours of the early morning, because I refuse to lay a head of hair that stinks like a stale ash tray on my nice clean 1200 thread count pillow case.

Yep. We knew perfectly well we would NOT be able to make these gigs. Knowing this, I’m shocked at the shit that comes out of the mouths of other mothers.

First of all, I totally get that I may not be your first priority when it comes to making plans and planning your get-togethers. But odds are if I don’t have at least two weeks notice, I’m not coming. I don’t mind it if you don’t ask me in time and I can’t make it. But I will mind it when I tell you I can’t make it because it wasn’t enough time to get a sitter and you send me drunk text messages saying “whatever  bitch TTYL you always have a reason not to come out with me”. This I have a problem with.

I completely understand if it’s someone with no kids giving me the business in this manner. They don’t get it and that is perfectly fine. My issue is when this shit comes from other mothers. I’ve had some say to me “Well won’t your parents watch her if you need someone at the last minute? Won’t you be able to drop her off and go out spontaneously?”.

I’ve also had people say to me, “Well maybe you can get someone to watch her and you guys can meet us [wherever the location is that evening] in an hour”. ???

It isn’t that these things are impossible. Could I possibly ask my mother in law to watch my daughter at the last minute and would she possibly say yes? Do I have a childless friend who is probably not doing anything tonight who I could ask to come over? Is it possible they would say yes? Sure.

Could I call someone and use such shady trickery as to lead with “Hey, what are you up to tonight, anything?”, so they think I’m going to invite them to do something fun, wait for them to say “No, I’m free”, then hit them with the reality that I don’t really want their company and they’re not good enough at that moment for me to invite them to do the fun thing I want to go out and do tonight, but that they’re the LUCKY ones who get to wipe my kid’s poopy butt all night? Of course I could.

Do I want to be a complete asshole and RUIN someone else’s evening? NO, and this is why you’ll never see me do this.

Here’s the deal, mothers-who-do-this-shit-at-the-last-minute. I guaran-damn-tee that no one is sitting down, trying to figure out how they’re going to spend their Friday or Saturday evening after working all week, thinking “Man, I wish one of my friends or relatives with small children would call me and ask me to spend my evening with their high maintenance infant or toddler. I really feel like trying to entertain a little person ALL evening. If they’re learning to walk, bending over holding their little hands for hours at a time and walking around in this position is going to make me feel GREAT tomorrow. Even better, arguing with someone about whether their mommy REALLY lets them eat a box of fudge rounds then go to bed at midnight, so I should let them too, is exactly what I envisioned all week for the perfect weekend. Wouldn’t it be a HOOT??? I just can’t think of a better way to unwind and let my hair down. Who can I drunk text to see who is up for this tonight??”.

Nope. So next time you feel like complaining to everyone who will listen to your drunk ass about how I never go out now that I have a baby, weigh your options. I could be the pain in the ass cornering you into wiping snot off my baby’s face and tending to her diaper rash for 6 hours while I go out and do something fun at the last minute after NOT having invited you to come with me.