Already With the Birthday Head Games?

It really amazes me how naïve I am. I had my daughter at 35, thinking I was going in with at least some experience under my belt having watched friends and family raise children and deal with the nonsense that comes with interacting with other parents and the birthday shit they do. I thought “Oh, I totally know what I’m going to do when THAT situation comes up”. I was ready for the ridiculous first birthday parties complete with 60+ guests and hired performers, designed to meet the needs of attention seeking, narcissistic parents. I felt equipped to take on the parents who feel that you shouldn’t invite your child’s classmates to a birthday party without also inviting their older and younger siblings. The parent who complains that you took your child to the movies and only allowed them to invite one friend who wasn’t their child, and their child now has hurt feelings about it (when you know good and well their child could care less, it’s the parent’s pride that is hurt because they like to complete with the parent of the child you took to the movies... all because they have unrealized fantasies of being a “Real Housewife of…” and they have an imaginary camera crew following them around expecting non-stop drama), I knew I could handle!! I know, I know, classic, know it all, first time mom-to-be. CLUELESS! Either way, it seems there is a new passive-aggressive attention seeking birthday trend that I was not aware of. I have to admit defeat on this one, I was completely blindsided. I walked in to pick up my 5 month old from daycare last July and was surprised to find a gift in her cubby. I looked around a little confused and her daycare teacher, seeing my confusion and giving me a look that said “I know, I totally know why you’re confused, I don’t get it either”, says to me “It was Kandyce’s first birthday on Saturday”. I just said “Oh, how nice, she is giving OUT gifts on her birthday!”. I really wanted to say “Are you fucking kidding me? Do all the parents do this now or is this family just bat shit crazy?”. I let it go at that, thinking perhaps it was option #2. Nope. Three random FIRST birthdays since then I find a gift in my girl’s cubby. Well I’ll say three and a half, one was for little Emelya (not to be mistaken for “Amelia”), one for little Doyle and one for the twins – Kalyn (as feminine as that sounds – he’s a boy) and Grayson. What the fuck? Now I get it, I am a little different from most parents when it comes to birthdays my child is not yet aware of. When she is old enough to understand and remember a birthday and we’re able to discuss what she wants to do on her special day, I’ll be more than happy to engage, but what… the… fuck? So you couldn’t throw a birthday party for your one year old and invite every adult you already know to draw attention to yourself, you have to throw a “hey, look at me, I kept my child alive for a year” token out there so that those of use just minding our business, working, caring for our families and trying to keep up to date with our own family and friends’ birthdays and special days (and failing miserably) would have to awkwardly accept and feel like we owe you something in return? What do I do now? Run out and buy your child a belated birthday gift? Or do you expect ME to buy your kids gifts now on my kid’s birthdays? I don’t even know what to say other than, I’m sure I’ll see you in a few years at the t-ball tryouts where you’re campaigning for scoreless games and no winners or losers where every child gets a trophy for being the best. Until then, stay outta my way.

Because I Wasn't Deprived of Sleep Enough Already

So I’m writing this entry on limited sleep. Yeah yeah, I’m a working mom with a high pressure job and a toddler and all that other crap. However, apparently it’s not enough to lay awake at night thinking about spreadsheets, what I’m going to say at upcoming meetings, how data ties in to a client’s overall set up, whether my 17 month old is too cold with the fan on, whether she has enough diapers at daycare, what we have to eat for dinner the next evening, whether my co-worker took something I said as a complaint when I was really complimenting her, whether the shower curtain I want is going to sell out before I can fit the purchase into our budget and how I’m going to fit any tans and work outs into my week before the weekend (because let’s face it, I’m not working out on the weekend so if it doesn’t happen Mon – Fri, I have to wait until next week). Oh and what ever happened to that Goo Goo Cluster ice cream they used to sell at Albertson’s? That was sooooo good. Awwww, remember Albertson’s? I loved that store. Oh oh… what was the name of the other place in my home town that started with an “A”? The place where I ran over Karen Carpenter’s foot with my stroller when I was 2? Alpha Beta! That’s righhhhhhhht. Hmmmm, I had that other Carpenter’s CD and I haven’t been able to find it. I swear we need to get our computer fixed so I can get ITunes back….

Nope, that endless thought process keeping me up for 90 mins – 3 hours at least 3 times per week just wasn’t enough to exhaust me.  I had to start watching “I Survived”. Have you watched this shit yet? It’s quite a gripping program. For those of you who haven’t watched it yet, it airs on the Bio channel on Sunday nights and it usually consists of 3+ people each speaking to the camera about a harrowing experience that nearly killed them, and should have. It’s a very interesting, diverse selection of individuals and you can’t help but get sucked right in to each story. The experiences that bring these people near death range from abductions, rapes, shootings and stabbings to natural disasters, bridge collapses and boat wrecks. It’s addicting and absolutely terrifying! Now that I’ve propped the show (much deserved), I have to say that you must be extremely careful about choosing to watch.

Before I was a mother, I used to hear other mothers talk about how since they had babies they could no longer watch scary movies. I used to roll my eyes and think “Of course, because EVERYTHING is about YOU and your kid, isn’t it?” I wondered if I would be annoying like them and think that way after becoming a mom, because horror films are just part of my life. While I have thankfully NOT found my beloved horror films to be unbearable now that I’m a mother, crime documentaries terrify the hell out of me. They always have, but “I Survived” brings it to another level. I’ve always thought of myself as a very cautious person. I walk with my head up in parking lots, I don’t park next to vans, I don’t answer the door if I’m home alone or if I don’t know the person, I don’t give out my zip code or phone# at cash registers (why do they need that all the time anyway??? Annoysballs) and I rarely go out alone after dark. After watching this show I no longer think I’m so smart and cautious. I spend every night after a new episode waking up every hour or so in this terrified dream haze, wondering if all the windows are locked, checking to make sure my kid is still in her room and my husband is still breathing. Do I have to go to the stupid bathroom or can I hold it? What if they’re waiting for me to get up so they can hit me with a surprise attack on my way out of the bathroom? Ugh, and I thought “Dateline” was bad.

My Ass Looks Great in These Jeans, Really, It Does

Well, I took an incredibly long break from blogging over the winter due to several illnesses between Sept and March (thank you daycare germs) and a big move into our newly built home.

It isn’t only blogging I took a long break from, it’s people – friends and family. This wasn’t intentional by any stretch, unlike when I was pregnant and chose to keep away from people for their own benefit, it just happened.

Yup, I’ve been a shitty friend. People are getting annoyed with me and have stopped communicating with us. Clearly, they think I’ve distanced myself from them purposely. I can’t blame them at all but this is just not the case. However, as things calm down and we finally have the time to begin catching up with people, I’m beginning to wonder…. “Did I subconsciously INTEND to stay away from people?”, “Was I tired of them before fall began?”

I couldn’t put my finger on what was bothering me about my friends. I love them. I have often had a lot of fun with them. I care about their lives and what makes them happy, what they’re interested in. Then as I sat with one of my friends watching a slide show of pictures of the past few years, it hit me. It isn’t my friends, it’s their behavior. Most of the women I know can’t seem to keep from putting themselves down. They spend the majority of our time together talking about how they hate their hair, they hate their bodies, they hate their faces, they’re embarrassed or worried about what people think, etc.

Having lived through an eating disorder and going through grueling counseling to overcome it, I understand that this is BORING conversation. I finally understood why I had lost so many friends in the process. No one wanted to listen to my skinny size 4 ass talk endlessly about the fat flaps that hung over my bra in the back or the fact that I still couldn’t fit into my size 2 jeans from high school. Who cares? BORRRRRRRING! Never mind offensive to a friend who was sitting in size 10’s (A perfectly healthy size for many body types, by the way).

Yes, I have the skinny friend who does nothing but talk about how she lost “ALL THIS WEIGHT” (she was thin already) and how fat she was before (you know, when she was my size). I have the beautiful friends who sit and talk about how fat their asses are, the insecure friends who force me into a 30 minute IM discussion about whether the purse they want to buy is too loud for them and whether people will think it’s tacky, the ones who won’t sit in certain places when we go out to Happy Hour because they don’t want people to see them eating chicken wings and think they’re a pig and the ones who obsess about whether people will think they let their 4 year old daughter dress too trashy because she has a pink hair clip on in her hair and fake tattoos on her hands.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been guilty of many of these things in the past, but I have a daughter now. Suddenly, these behaviors make me sad and the sadness turns to anger and impatience. These are learned behaviors. My generation has somehow learned that it’s endearing to put ourselves down, that it’s a good way to initiate conversation, make others like us and not feel threatened by us. We learned that if we put ourselves down first, perhaps others wouldn’t be so quick to put us down. They wouldn’t make fun of us to our faces or talk about us behind our backs – the job was already done.

How did we learn this? Our mothers or mother figures did it. Our aunts, grandmothers, sisters, mothers’ friends all did it right in front of us. We learned that if we were too fat or our clothes or hair weren’t right, our adult role models who were putting themselves down would probably put us down too (if not to our faces, behind our backs or in their minds). Sure they never told us this, but the writing was on the wall. We’d watched them do it to themselves and to others and we followed suit without a hitch.

I’ve decided that I’m pissed and I’m not gonna take it anymore. I’ve started telling my friends – “I am not going to listen to you put yourself down anymore. I will not engage in this type of conversation”. When I compliment their hair and they start to say “Ugh I need to do something different with it I hate it”, I say “No – stop it right now, remember my rule. Tell me something you like about yourself today”. When someone compliments me, telling me I look thin, I fight that urge to say “UGH I hate how out of shape I am right now, I need to work out” and I say “Thank you. I appreciate the compliment”.

It’s hard work. It’s difficult after 36 years, to learn to accept compliments and not argue with people. My friends probably don’t like my “rules” about our conversations, but I can’t sit around and watch these amazing women constantly knock themselves any longer and I can’t have my daughter watch me engage in such discussions and think it’s ok to put herself down as well. They very thought of her feeling that she has to look upon herself in a negative light when it’s not necessary and potentially engage in harmful behaviors because of a negative self-image completely shatters my heart.

Why am I telling you this? I’ll tell you. Most likely, you agree with me. You don’t want to watch your children destroy themselves because of a negative self-image either. If you don’t have children, you don’t want the women in your life to do it and IF you do it, it needs to stop. People don’t want to hear it. If they do want to hear it, they are not your friends. People who love you don’t want to hear you put yourself down.

So say something positive about yourself today. Think something positive about yourself. Let’s do something about this vicious cycle. Is that cliché’? Awwww CRAP – I just did it, didn’t I? Well, one day at a time.

Why I’m Not Going To Be One Of Those Aholes About Asking People To Babysit

Having many friends, family members and co-workers with children for so many years leading up to having my own, I learned it takes all kinds when it comes to asking people to babysit your kid(s).

Now that I have my daughter I must admit I’m pretty appalled at how people with children treat me when it comes to inviting me to do things. I just expect them to know better, but should probably remember that just like with everything else in life, not everyone has a clue about much of anything when it comes to being aware of one’s surroundings. Raising children is no exception.

Basically, we brought this baby into the world with the idea that she was OUR choice, therefore OUR responsibility.

Did we think we were going to be able to dump her on some poor sap at the last minute on a Friday night so we could run out to the party someone invited us to 5 minutes ago and get loaded? Um, NOPE. Sorry friends, but my getting pregnant on purpose meant we consciously opted OUT of those last minute opportunities to jump in the car and spend our Friday night watching you and yours double fist beverages while you argue and bicker with your significant others, ending in my having to wash and blow dry my hair when I get home at ridiculous hours of the early morning, because I refuse to lay a head of hair that stinks like a stale ash tray on my nice clean 1200 thread count pillow case.

Yep. We knew perfectly well we would NOT be able to make these gigs. Knowing this, I’m shocked at the shit that comes out of the mouths of other mothers.

First of all, I totally get that I may not be your first priority when it comes to making plans and planning your get-togethers. But odds are if I don’t have at least two weeks notice, I’m not coming. I don’t mind it if you don’t ask me in time and I can’t make it. But I will mind it when I tell you I can’t make it because it wasn’t enough time to get a sitter and you send me drunk text messages saying “whatever  bitch TTYL you always have a reason not to come out with me”. This I have a problem with.

I completely understand if it’s someone with no kids giving me the business in this manner. They don’t get it and that is perfectly fine. My issue is when this shit comes from other mothers. I’ve had some say to me “Well won’t your parents watch her if you need someone at the last minute? Won’t you be able to drop her off and go out spontaneously?”.

I’ve also had people say to me, “Well maybe you can get someone to watch her and you guys can meet us [wherever the location is that evening] in an hour”. ???

It isn’t that these things are impossible. Could I possibly ask my mother in law to watch my daughter at the last minute and would she possibly say yes? Do I have a childless friend who is probably not doing anything tonight who I could ask to come over? Is it possible they would say yes? Sure.

Could I call someone and use such shady trickery as to lead with “Hey, what are you up to tonight, anything?”, so they think I’m going to invite them to do something fun, wait for them to say “No, I’m free”, then hit them with the reality that I don’t really want their company and they’re not good enough at that moment for me to invite them to do the fun thing I want to go out and do tonight, but that they’re the LUCKY ones who get to wipe my kid’s poopy butt all night? Of course I could.

Do I want to be a complete asshole and RUIN someone else’s evening? NO, and this is why you’ll never see me do this.

Here’s the deal, mothers-who-do-this-shit-at-the-last-minute. I guaran-damn-tee that no one is sitting down, trying to figure out how they’re going to spend their Friday or Saturday evening after working all week, thinking “Man, I wish one of my friends or relatives with small children would call me and ask me to spend my evening with their high maintenance infant or toddler. I really feel like trying to entertain a little person ALL evening. If they’re learning to walk, bending over holding their little hands for hours at a time and walking around in this position is going to make me feel GREAT tomorrow. Even better, arguing with someone about whether their mommy REALLY lets them eat a box of fudge rounds then go to bed at midnight, so I should let them too, is exactly what I envisioned all week for the perfect weekend. Wouldn’t it be a HOOT??? I just can’t think of a better way to unwind and let my hair down. Who can I drunk text to see who is up for this tonight??”.

Nope. So next time you feel like complaining to everyone who will listen to your drunk ass about how I never go out now that I have a baby, weigh your options. I could be the pain in the ass cornering you into wiping snot off my baby’s face and tending to her diaper rash for 6 hours while I go out and do something fun at the last minute after NOT having invited you to come with me.

5 Simple Tips For Living In A Suburban Housing Development

Congratulations! You’ve found your dream home. Whether you’re buying new, building new or buying a lived in home in a recent development, you have a lot to do and could probably use a few helpful tips where to begin.

#1 – Come Prepared With Your Resume And Previous Addresses. 

I don’t want to say to fill out job and rental applications, but I will. It will save you time. Print a copy of these along with a full resume and introductory cover letter for every neighbor you meet when you move in. Sure, you may have grown up in a city environment or an established suburb where you sometimes went your whole life without ever talking to some of the people on your street and/or were able to be in your yard without drawing a crowd. You’re in a new housing development so those days are long gone.

You might enjoy your privacy like many people and think you’re entitled to it. Well, I don’t know who it is you think you are, but you’re horribly mistaken. These people have every right to know exactly what you do at your job, where your work place is located, where you were born and raised and how many houses you’ve owned along with addresses. Providing your work history will help them understand how you can afford the house you just bought and the cars you own along with any high end grills, lawn mowers, snow blowers, four wheelers or snowmobiles you own. You don’t want to get off on the wrong foot by making these poor people lose sleep trying to figure this out. In addition, you may work from home. This really makes people uncomfortable. They need to know what you do all day that allows you to be effective at work from your house and will probably need some additional detail about your set up. You’re going to have to give up this info anyway, so better to put it in writing and hand it out up front. I’d say you’ll be covered if you hit all the mailboxes on your street and any attached cul de sacs.

#2 – Run Your Projects By Your Neighbors FIRST.

You’ve moved into your house and now want to make it a home by tailoring it to fit your family’s lifestyle. You probably think your timeline for such projects, who you use and how much you pay is your business. You are wrong again my friend. Your neighbors must have a chance to know your project plan and schedule. First, they need to know if you’re getting something they don’t have yet. Your projects no longer just affect you. You’re in a development now. You can’t be showing up your neighbors by getting something done that they haven’t yet or even worse, getting something BETTER.

It’s not fair.

Give them at least two months’ notice so they can prepare by determining whether they want to catch up and arrange for the same project. If anything changes in your schedule after you’ve released it to them, make sure you provide them with an update as soon as possible. They shouldn’t have to be blindsided when they come home from work one day and find that you have new landscaping and that you didn’t even have the courtesy to give them enough lead time to request the day off so they could supervise. If this occurs, be prepared with an apology and an explanation as to why you said one thing and did another.

Second, they will want to find out who you’re using. Have this info on hand with phone numbers. This will enable them to have your contractor give them a quote for the same work on their house, whether they need it or not, so they will have an idea how much you’re spending. You can’t put your neighbors in the tough spot of NOT having this information when they encounter other neighbors who want to discuss your progress.

#3 – Have Your Child Bearing History and Plan Written Out.

This is another thing it might be helpful to write up and have multiple copies printed and ready to go. You will need to share the following:

·         How many children you have

·         Whether existing children were planned

·         Names/Addresses of OBs who delivered your children (again, it’s not fair for you to have a better doctor than any neighbors who have children in the future)

·         Children’s ages, birth dates, types of delivery

·         A list of your children’s teachers to date

·         Extracurricular activities your children are involved in (include names and phone numbers for all organizations)

·         Your children’s pediatrician (you can’t have a better one than your neighbors’ kids)

·         Plans to have any children in the future (if you don’t have any already but will, be prepared to provide all the info above as it occurs)

·         If you do not plan to have children, be prepared to explain why.

o   If you have one child and do not plan to have any more, be prepared to explain why you’re depriving your child of siblings and leaving them to bear the burden of your care in your old age and your death alone.

#4 – Explain Any Activity That May Impact Your Parking Habits

Your neighbors will quickly become familiar with your vehicles and how you typically park them. If someone in your household is going out of town and a car will be unmoved or gone for several days, please notify your neighbors ahead of time. It will save them the agony of having to watch and wonder what is going on and why and avoid this conversation:

Neighbor: “Was someone sick at your house last week?”

Resident: “No, why do you ask?”

Neighbor: “Well, I noticed your car was gone and then another car was parked in the driveway one night, so I thought someone might be sick”.

Resident: “Oh not at all. I went out of town for work and my sister came over Wednesday night to hang out with my wife.”

You can see where it had to be frustrating for the neighbor to have to speculate and be wrong about the reason for the unexpected car in the driveway and unusual parking situation. One thing to note here, it’s also important to provide exact dates, travel destinations and expected outcome of any business trips.

#5 – Be Prepared To Socialize At All Times

You probably have this fantasy about spending the day outside in your beautiful back yard with your family doing whatever it is that makes your family happy. Just you and your family. This is an unrealistic expectation that you should get out of your mind immediately. I’ll flat out tell you, you simply don’t have the right to have private time outdoors at any time. Be prepared to discuss items 1-4 of this list with any neighbors with property attached to yours at all times. In addition, if you have to walk outside to get your newspaper, the mail, your garbage cans, etc, make sure you’re going outside only when you have time to engage in at least a 10 minute discussion with anyone who may be walking by or who may give you a shout from their garage. If the later occurs, don’t be startled. You’ll need to learn to be approached and spoken to as soon as you step outside. If anyone else is home, please know you’re being watched and there is most likely someone at all times lying in wait for you to step outside so you can provide them with information about the topics we have covered here.

Five Things I Hate That Everyone Else Seems To Love – Part 2

Here is the continuation of my list.

#3 – Typing “Prolly”: It just makes you look bad. It makes me wonder if you really think that’s a word and the right way to spell “probably”. I’m no spelling genius, but “probably” is such a basic word it scares me to think that there are people out there who really don’t know that “prolly” is not real.

#2 – Crocs: This will probably be the most unpopular opinion of the five. I fucking hate these things. They’re rubber shoes with a closed toe, yet I see people all summer wearing them with no socks. Sweaty toes just sitting there in unventilated rubber. That’s absolutely disgusting.

They don’t look good. They DON’T LOOK GOOD. I also see people wearing them in the winter with their jeans and socks. People wear them to the workplace. Not people who work at a Podiatrist’s office, Sea World or a public pool, but people who work in business offices. I can’t even begin to understand what makes someone who works in a business office wake up and say, “I think it’s a good idea to wear rubber clogs with holes in them to work today. It will help me earn the respect of my peers”.  Let me tell you something people. It doesn’t help you earn anyone’s respect to wear Crocs anywhere if you’re over 10 years old.

I was venting about Crocs to a friend one day when she said to me, “Well I like them on little kids and they save lives. A kid was saved because there was an electrical wire that hit a pool and he was standing in the water next to it. He didn’t get electrocuted because he was wearing them and they’re rubber.” Ok, this was a freak accident and the story was most likely promoted by the company who manufactures Crocs. (I’ll get to parents who buy into fear mongering from every little freak accident some other day.) “Crocs save lives”, is a bit much of a statement and was so ridiculous I wanted to set myself on fire when it came out of my dear friend’s mouth.

Crocs do not generally “save lives”. Crocs do not look good with ANY attire. Please let’s move on from this trend.

#1 – Cocaine: For the first 27 years of my life (growing up in Los Angeles), I was relatively indifferent to cocaine. Yes, there was always a run in with it here in my teens and early 20’s as I would encounter others who used it. I realized there were coke addicts and knew some of them but it was sporadic. It wasn’t all over the place. I had lots of wild friends and lots of wild times but for the most part it was booze and pot. When I was 27 I moved to a small-town-ish community in Central NY and quickly realized this has to be the cocaine capitol of the United States.

Let me tell you something. I have a problem in general with people who are all mouth and no ears who aren’t on drugs. These are the people who talk, talk, talk and never listen to a word you say and rarely let you finish sentences. It's incredible irritating. I moved here and began to notice that it seemed to be a trend in this area to be this way. I thought, “Ok, I guess people really are just rude in general on the East Coast”. Then my boyfriend (now husband) clued me in. Everyone’s on cocaine. It’s true. Most of the people he grew up with were still using cocaine on a regular basis in their 30’s and now, in their 40’s, still are. I began talking to nurses and paralegals who filled me in that most of our local doctors and lawyers are habitual cocaine abusers. Then I just began to see proof and know this wasn’t just gossip.

It’s deplorable. It seems like everywhere I look, people who have spouses to care for, houses to pay for and children to raise can’t spend Halloween with their kids or Christmas Eve with their families without using this crap. I told my mom about all this one day and she goes ,“Cocaine? Isn’t that like an 80’s drug?”. Yes mom, it IS an 80’s drug which makes this all the more pathetic. These are people in their 40’s with families and responsibilities who are clearly so unhappy with who they are they are trying to hold on to who they were when they were 17 (why they used cocaine so much when they were 17 is another vicious issue to tackle).

I know a few of them who are so incredibly stupid they don’t understand why we don’t hang out with them. Um, you don’t listen, you try to give you advice I never asked for when you’re no one who should be giving advice to ANYONE, you don’t respect my personal space when you speak to me , you’re completely paranoid and all of this makes you unbearable to be around. Oh, and usually you’re bitching that you don’t have any money.  

I hate this shit and honestly think the only way it will die down is when this generation of coke heads lays down and dies.

Until then, stay the hell away from me.

Five Things I Hate That Everyone Else Seems To Love – Part 1

Ok, so I am stealing this one. A few years ago, Facebook had an app of the same name where you would pick the five things you hate that everyone else seems to love. Well, I liked it and Frankly, my answers haven’t changed that much in four years.

#5 – Bargain Shopping (Specifically for Clothing): Here’s the deal. I hate crowds. I hate messes. I hate hot places with unflattering lighting and people in public places tend to skeeve me out. I live in a place where there are four seasons. My time is valuable to me. Gas in my area this week was $3.90 per gallon. I have friends and family members who will spend 6 hours on a shopping spree going from store to store pilfering through boxes of wrinkled crap that thousands of other people have touched, trying to find an article of clothing for $4.00 that they won’t even be able to wear until next year, because the appropriate season for that item is over. If this is how you choose to have a good time, great. Perhaps you’re a size 0 or 14 and they always have your size left, but my sizes are very average and middle of the road the decent stores NEVER have them left even when they aren’t on sale. I don’t enjoy going to places like Kohl’s or Old Navy where everything is under $20.00 because I don’t enjoy  purchasing clothes that are guaranteed to fall apart after two washes.  Nope, I’m the one people shake their head at because I pay full price for everything like an idiot. I’d rather shop online where things are presented to me in a pretty manner on a pretty person and I know that while God-only-knows-who has touched the items to pack them, they most likely didn’t spend the prior six hours plodding along from store to store, changing diapers and using public restrooms that were not adequately stocked with soap for appropriate hand washing. (Yes, I wash my clothes before wearing them even when I shop online, it’s just a matter of principle).

#4 – “I’m Thankful For….” At the Thanksgiving Dinner Table: I don’t mind blogs, Facebook, Twitter posts where people post what they’re thankful for. Many times they seem sincere and I enjoy reading them. I even enjoy posting them. People are on their own while writing these things out via the social network and it’s left up to readers whether or not they want to pay attention to them. Readers are not forced to react with “awwwww” or forced laughter. However, a few years ago I learned that teachers in school often urge their students to suggest that their families participate in the round robin at the Thanksgiving dinner table where everyone has to say what they’re thankful for. I’d like to know, Teachers-who-recommend-this, what kind of sadistic people you are. You know what you’re doing. So, what, you have a couple kids in class with obnoxious parents who refuse to discipline their kids or think their precious little 8 year old pumpkins deserve a “good job” sticker for remembering how to use the toilet? Let me tell you something teachers, odds are that the extended families of these obnoxious parents don’t like them either and don’t want to hear the phony, contrived drivel that comes out of their mouths when they’re in their attention seeking glory. I’d like to recommend to your Principals that you give your students a homework assignment and make them video tape this, then it’s your job to provide a narrative of what occurred before grading this project. This way YOU can sit and listen to the drug addict in the family who cheats on his wife talk about how thankful he is for the sanctity of marriage and that in his state, this sanctity is still reserved for the heteros. You can listen to the woman who calls her husband a lazy fat whale in front of their small children all year talk about how thankful she is to have married her best friend who she admires more than God. Listen to the parent who sits and screams at their child during their little league games that they’re not playing well enough and spends $200.00 per week teaching their kid to become the next Jeter so they can live out their parent’s un realized childhood dream, talk about how grateful they are that their precious angel was born with such natural talent and a love for the sport of baseball. This is the payback you deserve. Good Luck - I hope you have a HUGE class.

Here I Am - My First Time

So here I am on Blogger. I’m a blogger virgin and I am quite nervous for my first time. My husband has convinced me to start a blog so I can unload my thoughts and opinions. I can’t tell if he truly thinks my opinions are worth reading about or if he would like me to unload them on someone else for a change. I hope to share this with some of my social networking friends and have them do the same.

The name of this blog? Well, I wasn’t sure what else to call it, so I chose my persona for the week. I’m a mom – a new mom with an 8 month old daughter. I have a wonderful day job but as with most moms, my mommy job is my favorite. Yeah, that sounds really boring and square, I know. The other two traits mentioned in the blog title are a bit of a challenge for a new mom. I don’t find them challenging in the sense that I want to change them. They’re a challenge in the sense that I often wonder how people are going to take me in the fellow mom world out there. It isn’t that I am worried about this - I don’t really give a flying rat’s ass what anyone thinks of me outside of what my superiors at work think about my job performance.

The challenge is how I’m going to be able to deal with people and their unsolicited advice and opinions. I don’t ask many people for advice. I don’t ask for many people’s opinions. I don’t play well with others when they share advice or opinions that I didn’t ask for.

It already happens. Any woman who’s been pregnant with their first or only child knows. The unsolicited advice just flies in. Oh it isn’t always in the form of “You’re going to have to give your baby a pacifier” or “You better be prepared to put a bassinet in your bedroom because you can’t put a baby in their own room”, though trust me, both of those things were said to me. Sometimes it’s in the form of “Are you going to give the baby a pacifier?”, then when you answer, “Well, I’m going to wait and see what happens. I’d rather not but if the baby starts to suck their thumb I will because I don’t want them to do that”, they answer with their opinion (which they were going to give no matter what your answer was, as if you’re too stupid to know this was their tactic), “Oh well good, I think it helps them to be able to suck, it soothes them”. I even had women try to talk me OUT of breast feeding. Now personally, I could care less how you feed your infant – whatever works for you and your family is what you need to do. I wanted to breastfeed. It was just my personal preference. I didn’t say it to anyone unless I was asked. I was sitting with two other moms one day who asked me if I planned to breastfeed. I said I was going to try and see if it worked out. If so, I wanted to do it, if not, I had formula ready. Here comes the third form of unsolicited advice – the people who just tell you what THEY did and WHY (even when you don’t ask) in a tone that suggests if you don’t do the same you’re an idiot. Yes, these two women were very anti-breastfeeding. One told me there was no way she was going to do it because you can’t drink, it’s painful and you are tired after having a baby (really? Thanks for that tidbit, I never would have known). The other one told me that there was no way she was going to be the only one to have to get up in the middle of the night while her husband slept – she was NOT going to do more work than him (even after I pointed out that I would be getting about 9 weeks off and my husband was going to have to work, so I didn’t mind – they looked at me like I was the biggest douche bag they’d ever met). This behavior made me stay away from people while I was pregnant. I rarely saw or spoke to anyone, because I knew there would only be so much I’d be able to take without striking someone.

This is the part that makes my naughty language and dedication to my horror film collection a challenge.

I spent the first three months of my daughter’s life realizing that I don’t think I can filter the swear words out of my vocabulary. I’d let an F-bomb fly and ask my husband, “How am I going to stop doing this?”. His replies were always the same: “You don’t have to. Who cares if she swears? It’s not the worst thing she can do”. For now, I have to agree. I guess we’ll see how I feel when the first teacher calls my house to complain, or the first other mother comes to me to tell me that her little darling just said they’d stepped in a pile of steaming dog shit and it was my demon seed they’d learned this term from. My parents really didn’t swear around me and they acted shocked if I ever said so much as “crap”. Of course, all this did for me what make me swear every chance I got once I got out of their range of hearing. Now I do the same, I just don’t wait until I’m out of ear shot.

Then there’s my horror collection. This is a big part of my life. I love books, films and television – my favorite being horror themed. Some of the best times of my life have been had due to my love of suspenseful fiction and being scared. I realize my child may not share this passion, but she is definitely going to be exposed to it.

I want to be able to interact with other parents and I want my child to have healthy interaction with other families. However, knowing there are mamby pamby parents out there who want to ban Bugs Bunny, Woody Woodpecker and Charlie Brown (yes, I said Charlie Brown and my head is still spinning from this one), I anticipate many challenges with my patience as I interact with other parents as my girl grows and develops a social life. I can only hope that as she grows, so will my tolerance level for….. you know…..  PEOPLE.